The sun has gone behind the clouds. A bunch of big, rain-filled thunder clouds. The ones that roll in as a storm approaches. That’s how I am feeling anyway – along with a zillion others too I’m sure. Many of us connected by our sadness at lack of connection; physical connection. This isolating, socially distancing, anxious, unknown time. When being lonely doesn’t mean you are alone. When seeing this “opportunity” with a glass half full attitude is difficult to do when you are running on empty.
I am known for being a bit of hermit. For many years when getting a new diary (yes I still like a physical A5 pretty diary) I would randomly go through and put lines through various weekends so that we didn’t book them up. I love catching up with friends and family but there was always something lovely about coming home on a Friday night and knowing that the whole weekend was unplanned. Didn’t have to be anywhere or with anyone. A weekend of nothing.
But this “nothing” is making me feel anxious. An impending doom type feeling. I think this is because there is no end in sight. I have one cupboard left to sort and then I have officially spring-cleaned the entire house. So I am saving doing that cupboard because then what?????????
You would think, as I did, that this is a great time to do some writing. Except I can’t concentrate or focus for any length of time. This is not the story I wanted to or had been planning to write. I have read a book…………don’t ask me too many details about it though. I have looked through old photo albums, framed some, and threw some away……………
You would also think it would be a good time for me to walk more and I am doing a little of that. I should be moving my body, stretching. We have a very well set up home gym and God knows there is enough exercise inspo on Instagram but one needs motivation for that. My RA pain is through the roof, stress can do that, and exercise can help that, being in the doldrums can prevent all of that.
Fortunately, and I am ever so grateful for this, my boys have finished school. I have thought a lot about how homeschooling would have played out in our house…………nothing good would have come out of it as I am unsure how I would have kept them on task. Both boys were terrible procrastinators with school work and deadlines. We would spend hours talking about the injustice of having to do said homework, assignment, research project.
It’s not fair Mum, is it?
You don’t believe in homework do you Mum? (No, I don’t but this was not helpful for them to know and remember as they got older. I believe that there should be no set homework, particularly in primary school and prioritized family time over that every time. But…. I digress.)
I’ll start after I have something to eat?
I’ll start after I have taken a dump.
I’ll start after I have a shower. (That was always a sign of a desperate plea for diversion when it came from Matthew.)
I’ll help you with the dishes first. (Jesse’s last-ditch, desperate measure.)
I take my hat off to all of you in this position.
Facebook and Instagram can be company but are still not your friends when you are feeling down. Those bloody highlight reels as opposed to real-life reels – faces smiling back at you seem happy and relishing this curve ball we have all been thrown. I admire their resilience…………… I used to be resilient until I wasn’t.
All these feelings I have reminded me of grief. I am on the verge of tears a lot of the time. The lack of control, the anger and frustration that such a thing has happened. The sense of loss of the world as we knew it, temporarily or forever, yet to be determined. It makes me think of my Dad so much………….miss him so much. This week I “forgot” he was gone………my glasses needed tightening and I was going to get him to do that for me, as he always did…………….
So sharing this is for anyone else struggling but feeling that they shouldn’t be. Staying at home watching Netflix and sorting cupboards is not a hardship but it doesn’t make for plain sailing either.
It’s ok to not be ok.
It’s ok to feel how you feel.
It’s ok to not want to be cheered up, even more so if you are not seeking that.
It’s ok to be feeling fearful, uncertain, and anxious from the safety of your own home.
It’s ok to do whatever works for you to make you feel better.
It’s ok to NOT pretend you are ok.
We all live in the same world but it turns differently for everyone. I have likened how I was feeling to the sun going behind a cloud. A good friend quite rightly pointed out that sometimes the sun does this to provide relief and that changed conditions can still be appreciated. Wise words from a wise man.
In changed conditions though sometimes the advice is to swim between the poles or not go swimming at all.
Whatever you choose you still might need a life raft and time to catch your breath.