The Sun has gone behind the Clouds

The sun has gone behind the clouds. A bunch of big, rain-filled thunder clouds. The ones that roll in as a storm approaches. That’s how I am feeling anyway – along with a zillion others too I’m sure. Many of us connected by our sadness at lack of connection; physical connection. This isolating, socially distancing, anxious, unknown time. When being lonely doesn’t mean you are alone. When seeing this “opportunity” with a glass half full attitude is difficult to do when you are running on empty.

I am known for being a bit of hermit. For many years when getting a new diary (yes I still like a physical A5 pretty diary) I would randomly go through and put lines through various weekends so that we didn’t book them up. I love catching up with friends and family but there was always something lovely about coming home on a Friday night and knowing that the whole weekend was unplanned. Didn’t have to be anywhere or with anyone. A weekend of nothing.

But this “nothing” is making me feel anxious. An impending doom type feeling. I think this is because there is no end in sight. I have one cupboard left to sort and then I have officially spring-cleaned the entire house. So I am saving doing that cupboard because then what?????????

You would think, as I did, that this is a great time to do some writing. Except I can’t concentrate or focus for any length of time. This is not the story I wanted to or had been planning to write. I have read a book…………don’t ask me too many details about it though. I have looked through old photo albums, framed some, and threw some away……………

You would also think it would be a good time for me to walk more and I am doing a little of that. I should be moving my body, stretching. We have a very well set up home gym and God knows there is enough exercise inspo on Instagram but one needs motivation for that. My RA pain is through the roof, stress can do that, and exercise can help that, being in the doldrums can prevent all of that.

Fortunately, and I am ever so grateful for this, my boys have finished school. I have thought a lot about how homeschooling would have played out in our house…………nothing good would have come out of it as I am unsure how I would have kept them on task. Both boys were terrible procrastinators with school work and deadlines. We would spend hours talking about the injustice of having to do said homework, assignment, research project.

It’s not fair Mum, is it?

You don’t believe in homework do you Mum? (No, I don’t but this was not helpful for them to know and remember as they got older. I believe that there should be no set homework, particularly in primary school and prioritized family time over that every time.  But…. I digress.)

I’ll start after I have something to eat?

I’ll start after I have taken a dump.

I’ll start after I have a shower. (That was always a sign of a desperate plea for diversion when it came from Matthew.)

I’ll help you with the dishes first. (Jesse’s last-ditch, desperate measure.)

I take my hat off to all of you in this position.

Facebook and Instagram can be company but are still not your friends when you are feeling down. Those bloody highlight reels as opposed to real-life reels – faces smiling back at you seem happy and relishing this curve ball we have all been thrown. I admire their resilience…………… I used to be resilient until I wasn’t.

All these feelings I have reminded me of grief. I am on the verge of tears a lot of the time. The lack of control, the anger and frustration that such a thing has happened. The sense of loss of the world as we knew it, temporarily or forever, yet to be determined. It makes me think of my Dad so much………….miss him so much. This week I “forgot” he was gone………my glasses needed tightening and I was going to get him to do that for me, as he always did…………….

So sharing this is for anyone else struggling but feeling that they shouldn’t be. Staying at home watching Netflix and sorting cupboards is not a hardship but it doesn’t make for plain sailing either.

It’s ok to not be ok.
It’s ok to feel how you feel.
It’s ok to not want to be cheered up, even more so if you are not seeking that.
It’s ok to be feeling fearful, uncertain, and anxious from the safety of your own home.
It’s ok to do whatever works for you to make you feel better.
It’s ok to NOT pretend you are ok.

We all live in the same world but it turns differently for everyone. I have likened how I was feeling to the sun going behind a cloud. A good friend quite rightly pointed out that sometimes the sun does this to provide relief and that changed conditions can still be appreciated. Wise words from a wise man.

In changed conditions though sometimes the advice is to swim between the poles or not go swimming at all.

Whatever you choose you still might need a life raft and time to catch your breath.

4 thoughts on “The Sun has gone behind the Clouds

  1. We’re being tried & tested, yet we are all still standing. The clouds will pass over again & the sun will inevitably shine, but in the meantime, be & do what you need to do to get through all this, that’s all we can do.
    Well written Lory, touching on how so many of us are no doubt feeling.

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  2. Dearest Lory, Wonderfully expressed and I think so true for so many at this time. Since I’ve been working from home for almost 2 years social isolation is not unfamiliar to me but it’s the loss of face to face contact not to mention hugs from friends that is a huge loss. For the first 3 weeks I was in a grief as Simon and Naomis wedding had to be cancelled 3 days before it was due, in fact one month exactly today. They wer then going to return to UK and travel in the van Simon had fitted out, through Europe for 6 months..I have attached simons letter written to the venue where he was hoping to get some return on the money paid. All in all we all lost a bucket load. Venue was pretty good but caterer was an A hole. Kept about 8,500 with no cost to them! Best and worst of times hey!? I’ve attached Simons letter to the venue as it probably explains the whole drama fully. Not sure when/ how wedding will be but most likely only about 20 people in Sydney as none of us can afford the 100 in beautiful setting in Adelaide as was planned. You must be missing your one boy but it sounds like he is still with his lovely girlfriend? Your health sounds like an ongoing nightmare Lory. So sorry. My chronic fatigue was triggered by all this stress but I am managing it well mostly. I am so grateful that I have my art to keep me occupied. I couldn’t do anything for those first few weeks but am into it now. Sounds like it’s time to try for another puppy?.. maybe not a German shepherd as you could never replace your beautiful girl. I can imagine how much you will be missing your dad in times like this as he was your anchor and harbour. 😢. When this is all over it will be great to see you for a laugh and catch up. Keep well and safe Loads of love Barbs Simons email below

    Sent from my Hi Fiona, Thank you for getting back to us. These are incredibly tough times for everyone, especially those running their own business and I can only imagine how stressful the last few weeks have been for you. We are thinking of Karen’s husband and wishing a speedy recovery.

    Dad has been great in communicating with you guys but I wanted to shed a bit more light on our circumstances in the hope that we can come to an outcome that is agreeable for both of us.

    We were absolutely shattered to have to cancel our wedding as we were both so excited to get married at K1! But we felt as the week went on in the lead up to the 21st March that it would be irresponsible to the health and well-being of our guests and also your business and staff to continue as planned.

    We had such a stressful and sleepless week in the lead up trying to work out if it was the right thing to go ahead in the rapidly changing environment that saw Coronavirus cases starting to rise in the community here in Australia.

    As I’m sure you can understand it was such a difficult decision for us, but ultimately on the Wednesday beforehand as a third of our guests had pulled out, and 3 people were being tested for Coronavirus we felt it would be irresponsible to go ahead as we could not be sure no one would unknowingly have the virus, especially when so many of the guests were coming from interstate.

    Although we would have loved to reorganise the wedding the way it was, many of our guests were unable to get refunds or credits for their travel plans and given around 75% were coming from Sydney it doesn’t feel fair to ask them to make the trek all the way back down to Adelaide. In addition Naomi and myself have lost close to $20,000 which we won’t be able to get back and will sadly struggle to afford anything of this size again.

    We were living in London until recently and have now had to relocate back to Sydney abruptly, without work or living situations setup and are trying to re-establish our lives in this very uncertain time.

    We understand that in normal circumstances, the cancellation of a wedding the week berforehand would mean no refund was given. However, as we all know these are unprecedented circumstances and out of yours and our control. As I have mentioned we were trying to do what was right for everyone’s wellbeing first, within a rapidly moving and uncertain situation.

    On that Wednesday before the wedding, we decided to reduce the wedding to only our immediate families to avoid a large group of people coming together, as we were rightly concerned of the types of potentially devastating outcomes that could occur if a super spreader unknowingly was in attendance. There have been many stories of this happening at wedding which we are starting to hear about in the media now. Then sadly, on the afternoon before, Friday 20th March, Naomi’s family received orders from the Communicable Disease Control Branch of SA Health to self isolate given that had been seated nearby a confirmed COVID-19 case on their flight over the Adelaide.

    Our close contact with Naomi’s family leading up to the wedding meant it was our responsibility to completely cancel the wedding at that point. We had no way of knowing if they would show symptoms at a later point and if it turned out they had the virus if we too would also have been exposed. Although this was absolutely devasting for us, this did reinforce that it was the right thing to have cancelled all the other guests travelling to Adelaide earlier in the week and coming together for our wedding as planned. I hate to imagine the outcomes that could have happened had someone unknowningly spread Coronavirus at our wedding. We were trying to make a very hard decision with your staff and our friends and families health and wellbeing in mind. Of course we would have loved to more than anything hold our wedding as planned but I feel so much more comfortable having made a decision that tried to first and foremost protect the livelihood of all who would have been involved. And as it turned out only a matter of days later the government came to the same decision of no longer allowing weddings with more than 5 people present. Had the wedding been the following Saturday we would have been forced to cancel the wedding and we would be having a very different discussion.

    Obviously this is uncharted waters for everyone, but we have managed to come to a reasonable outcome with many of our other vendors with them refunding most of their fees excluding that to cover their costs incurred. We understand the time and effort that you put into the lead up to the wedding and as such we would like to recognise that, at a fair and honest reflection of the work undertaken.

    We have tried to think through an offer that we feel is reasonable and would like to discuss you retaining $4000 for your time and any costs incurred in the lead up to 21st March. At this point in time we have to sadly accept that we will not be able to organise another wedding in the forseeable future, we have lost an incredible amount out of this for no gain nor fault of our own, but it goes far beyond just a wedding. We understand that you must have a similar feeling so we ask you to have a think about what is fair to cover your expenses without unduely penalising us. Should that be beyond $4,000 would you please provide us with more detail so we can have a clearer understanding.

    On the wine front, although we absolutely love your wine, we are both currently unemployed and living with Naomi’s parents. Storage space here is limited so we will struggle to receive and keep any wine from you guys, and we are unsure if we’d ever get the use out of it as we can not afford to hold a wedding like we had planned previously anymore so as I’m sure you can understand, although generous would not be of any use to us.

    Please have a think over this and I hope we can reach an agreement that works for both of us.

    All the best, Simon and Naomi

    >>

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